DEfinitii

ABSURDITY, n.

A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

ACADEME, n.

An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

ACADEMY, n.

[from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.

APPLAUSE, n.

The echo of a platitude.

APRIL FOOL, n.

The March fool with another month added to his folly.

BRIDE, n.

A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

BRUTE, n.

See HUSBAND.

CABBAGE, n.

A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

CAT, n.

A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

    This is a dog,
      This is a cat.
  This is a frog,
      This is a rat.
  Run, dog, mew, cat.
  Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.

DAMN, v.

A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost.

NEPOTISM, n.

Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

VOTE, n.

The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

WITCH, n.

(1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.

ZIGZAG, v.t.

To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man's burden. (From zed, z, and jag, an Icelandic word of unknown meaning.)

IDIOT, n.

A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.

from The Devil's Dictionary